Its hard to get the balance right. Its hard. Music takes the pain away. The thought of history deciding to go no contact with me seems unreasonable and yet I still wonder. I never intend on going no conttact with anyone. Anyway, Im at the point where Im overindulging in what I call a repetoire of code. Realistically, I doubt that ill ever be a programmer. It was fun to write in a language other than English. I picked up a free book from the 1970s on the language 'Basic'. I adore the depth of axiom logic in the text. I also struggle in my classes. I cant remember shit. Everything is confusing. Id like to identify my Schizophrenia as something other than incompetant and vulgar; ya know I want to feel like a woman and not a sloppy joe.(lame pun) Im scared that my purpose in life is useless and far from the sovereignty of what I truly want for myself. I dont intend on being labeled as selfish for that. I want so badly to have the illusion of whiteness erased so that my true colors can refract. Yes I have a crush on a programmer who drives me to try harder and organize my life so that I can embody a confidence that has a foundation of actual complete tasks. Im 29 and well so it goes. Who am I? I am a stranger to myself and that is sad. Was I ever that inexorably cruel and evil as society was to me? He was a stranger so involved in my life when there was a crow and when I was alone, he was cruel. Did I ever instantiate such wonder about my identity? I must've made him wonder who I was. He presented me with jewels and a menagerie of dead imagery. Diamonds are a girl's best friend right and he made himself look essentially perfect? Well the plan is working so he can just walk away because Im Miss Independent. Is any of this real? Am I real? I can rest on the fact that im a loser an a liar. Im sorry for all of it. However, Im not those things, I just survived telling myself that over and over again. Im actually a survivor. Ive been through enough and worked to hard to give up on myself now. Are you down?
Is my feminine Mo0rish rage unoriginal?
1. Don't objectify me.
2. Don't insinuate my intentions.
3. Don't judge me without getting judged back.
4. Why do white people ruin it for white passing people? Yeah I said it.
5. We're only friends and that's it.
6. If you call me a name online, I have a birthday paradox for that.
7. Don't steal my game engine.
8. I won't see you in person.
9. Don't start shit.
10. No, I am not gaslighting you.
11. Inner beauty is within me. I'm not a doll. I'm a superhero.